This is Me – Jenni D.

The sky was on fire tonight and the warm breeze reminded me of the beach. There were clouds that were dark yet strikingly gorgeous as the setting sun cast a glow around them. There was a woman in the grocery store that was wearing a perfume that a former coworker wore. Why does that throw me into a swarm?

Why I am so keenly aware of every scent, every color, every sound, every feeling that I come in contact with? My mind whirls in a constant state of cognizance. It is never a simple task, my daily living. Each sense registers a deposit on my memory bank. It is hypervigilance in overdrive. There is never a still, quiet, unaromatic moment. At times, I feel like a prisoner at a county fair, unable to escape the persistent overbearing environment.

Even in loneliness I swim the waters of overdrive. My mind pushes itself unwillingly into an ocean of words, thoughts, what if’s, what should have, what may be…..Conversations I should have, but haven’t – things I need to do, should do, want to do – why am I like this? – why can’t I be normal? – WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?

It never ends.

When peace surrounds my being, my soul rests – but not my thoughts. They tramp through the serenity like soldiers on a mission. The spears of fear and insecurity slice through the blank pristine space of peace, leaving open wounds that are too numerous for me to cover quickly. Words, words, words ….. memories, sights, sounds, odors……why didn’t I, who didn’t I, what didn’t I …… Tranquillity wanes and the tornado picks me up – once again.

Explain what you are feeling, they say. What is on your mind, they ask. How can we help you, they pry.

You can’t. I can’t. God will ….. eventually.

Or maybe he won’t.

“He made me this way!”, I scream to myself; convincing the dead to live takes power. Power my loud voice – my over dramatic voice – my commanding voice – has not the depths of. “He knit me together! My name is written on His palm! I am an heir to the throne!” Every scripture, every perfect Christian proclamation, every thing my momma and daddy ever spoke over me – can’t muscle through the swamp of timidity.

I cry out “God! Where are you?” Once again, I’m keenly aware of the silence and the way it sounds……

It’s not a voice I hear, it’s not a aroma, it’s not a sweetness on my tongue that pulls me out – or back in ….. it is simply a feeling. Warmth that is intrinsic to my soul. It starts in my feet, and soon my face is flushed. I know you, Holy Spirit. I know you.

I once said the Holy Spirit dances over me, around me, with me. Now, it simply sustains me. It is my constant. Unwavering, as I spin in my own self inflicted – in my own matrix. The Holy Spirit simply is.

There is no peace in my mind. There is no complete and total relaxation. Which means, there will not be stagnancy.

Yes, I talk a lot. Yes, I have a story about anything and everything you could throw at me. Yes, I see shadows, and shapes in the clouds, and the colors of the woods, and the insane way that river water makes even the ugliest pebbles beautiful…….. Yes. That is simply who I am. One day, I will be confident enough to say “love me or leave me. I am who I am because He is the great I AM”, and I will stand unwavering in that proclamation. Until then, this is me. Jenni D.

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After the Fog

We walk a path every day, for life is nothing but a journey.

I am forever seeing life lessons in nature. I truly believe this is God given, so that I can constantly be aware of His presence. So it is only fitting that He would speak to me about where I had been and where I am at now on my drive home.

It was the spider webs that caught my attention. There were hundreds of them, hanging like old lace between the power lines. Shuddering was inevitable….I despise spiders. Some of them I think are beautiful to look at

BUT

the thought of something being able to physically be on me without me knowing it gives me the heebie-geebies!

Those webs had been there all night. I had driven home and never seen them. It took a heavy fog and the warming sun to reveal them. It was then He spoke.

My life walk has been a rough one as of late. Being true to my word, I will be honest in this blog. Being called out of the boat to walk on water was amazing. . . not being able to see God at times, not so much. If I am completely honest, I will admit that I do not believe I took my eyes off of Him.

There was a fog that set in on my life that made clarity impossible.

This fog was thick, laden with doubt and regret. It carried the screaming voices of those who were still in the boat – deafening them to whispers that fell heavy on my soul. The clothing of my life became drenched in the constant droplets of defeat. Every part of me felt heavy; each step seemed nothing more than a shuffle.

Shuffling is still moving forward, I would tell my heart.

Then, the sun began to burn away the fog. I could feel it dissipating. I looked up (not that I sank, but my eyes were not focused upward!) and there was a peace that flooded the very core of my being. There is no other way to explain the contentment I felt than to help you imagine warm clothes fresh out of the dryer. One warm piece of clothing can warm your whole body. That was exactly what I felt.

Now that the sun is shining in, I am walking hand in hand with my Papa. He directs my thoughts to small things that are appearing in my life that needed – and still need – to be addressed. I couldn’t see them before. They were hidden by night, invisible in the sunlight, but hanging all in the lines of my mind and heart.

Just like the webs hanging on the power lines…..

It is truth that words and actions of people – ourselves included – can sneak into our core. We may never notice the spinning that has happened. Maybe we never realized there was something crawling in (or on) our lines of life.

Sometimes, it takes a fog to settle and lift before we can see the sticky, intricate webs that catch hold of little things. Those little things that should have flown right through our thoughts, our dreams, our hopes…..they get stuck and reverberate in our soul, causing tremors of fear and doubt.

When the fog lifts, and we allow the sun to shine, it becomes clear…….It is time to clean.

I saw the fog as the most horrible part of my shuffle, but it was necessary so that my being can soar.

If you are walking (or shuffling!) through a fog that seems endless and drenching, I hope that this gives you hope. That truly, He will use all things for His glory – even the fog. Don’t forget to look up, and remember that when it finally lifts,

He will be there for the cleanup. **Job 23:10 “But he knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”

The Greatest Adventure of All

Yesterday was rough y’all. I ain’t even gonna lie. (Yes, you should have read that with a bit of a country drawl or spin or whatever.)

But today? I rest.

Just after I write this……..

Okay, I quit my job. Like, just quit. No notice, no plan, no outlook – I just quit. Not many people agree with my decision. Let me just let you in on a secret – no one else lives my life. So, after some careful prayer, and some treacherous times mentally, it was best for myself and my family for me to jump ship – literally.

So, I am fully trusting God in all of this. Not that I don’t on a normal basis, it’s just this is HUGE. I have told many friends that I have for the first time in my life truly stepped out the boat, onto the ocean, in the middle of the storm, and am fully trusting in the Lord. Because I have no other choice.

Which leads me to yesterday……..

I am taking every opportunity given to me during this transition in my life. I am praying, seeking and believing that I will begin to fulfill Gods will and calling. That being said – I have begun training for the police officer training test.  Sit ups, push ups, lifting, jumping, running…… from a desk job to that. Yep. Right after I quit, I was almost bedridden with a back injury. It knocked a week and a half of conditioning off of my schedule. But I refused to give up. Yesterday, my back was hurting again, I didn’t hit my mileage, and I was physically tired……

And I was getting ready for a front desk interview……..

Like I said, I’m not going to miss an opportunity.

I’m at my parents house getting ready, when my amazing grandmother comes in the room. She is asking me questions and we are talking I am crying, ranting, sobbing about just wanting to be a part of my kids lives again and quit missing their talent shows, and field trips, and holidays, and wanting them to just be proud of me…….

She speaks and my heart is broken for the second time in two days by words……

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will ALWAYS  break my HEART…..

Not that she meant to – she would never mean to …. She will be so upset knowing it hurt me so. Sometimes hurt brings healing……

She said “Oh, Jenn….I wanted so much more for you. I wanted so much better for you. You are so smart! You could have so much more!”       I will tell the truth, I died for a moment. My soul died. I have never felt like I made anyone proud. Hearing those words, sealed my thoughts. It was true. And the funny thing is? Did any of the people who said things like that not think that I wanted better for myself as well?

Truth of the matter is, I do have better. I have the best.

I wanted to get married, have babies, and be a mommy. I wanted to to encourage each one of my babies to reach for the stars, travel, dream the greatest dreams. I wanted to teach them about Jesus and about singing. I wanted to show them how to suck honey suckles and build dams in a creek. I wanted to experience each season with them and help them see the miracle of each one. I wanted to show them how hard work accomplishes more than any kind of hand out man can give you. I may not own a home, have fancy clothes or shoes, I don’t have matching china, and you are lucky if you can find a pair of matching socks in my house……..but these kids right here? Man…….they are worth it all.

So, I will continue to pray. I believe God is revealing a path for me. It may not be the police force. It may not be a desk job. It may be serving . And if I have to waitress and serve the people who tore me down and made me hate myself in order for me to be able to see my daughter sing on stage or go to math competition with my youngest son or travel to an out of state football game with my oldest son – then so be it. I would rather serve with a healed heart, than miss out on the greatest adventure of my life —–

Photo Credits to mozingophotography.com (Amazing people, amazing photographers!)

Storm Surge

As I sit on my air matress, snuggled in my warm blanket, the rain steadily falls on my tent. This rain is the end of the big storm that is currently blowing through out campsite. It began as a dark, creeping cloud – with the wind pushing it towards us and the distant thunder warning of its inevitable arrival. . . 

Most people would say this rain ruined the trip, or ruined the day, or just put a damper on things. . . Me? I am thankful for it. Sure, we had to come in off of the water. We scrambled as the wind tore through our sites and our tents and tarps were at its mercy. We laughed as we all pulled together to make sure everyone was safe and dry. Then …….. we moved on. Some went to their tents, some hung out with the food, others played in the rain….. but we were all safe. 

So here I am, listening – with my soul …..

Water is my favorite. It calms me – in an unexplainable way. Even as a child, I was fascinated by it. I was mesmerized by the way it curved up around our boat as we cruised through it. I studied the way it careened around rocks while we played in the creek. I watched many storms come through as we sat on our porch – each rain drop bringing life to so many things. . . 

Water transforms and each transformation is a revelation. 

As I get older, and listen with my soul, I see – and hear – the lessons of water. Today’s lesson?

The storm brings rain, and rain brings life. 

I have been in a life storm, as of late. I was hurried in from my relaxed state into a mind set of preparation by the thunderous voice of negativity and the terrifying winds of self doubt. As I reached for strong lines to tie down my protective coverings, I was practically blown away as the storm progressed closer in to my inner being. I yelled for help, which fell as whispers, due to the overwhelming noise of failure swirling around. When I took a moment to evaluate my surroundings, the desire to leave camp and run was overpowering. 


Then, it came……clarity. 

I called for help again, this time the wind carried it. Even as a whisper, it fell on loving ears. Soon I was surrounded by those who were willing to stand the storm with me. We stood, against the raging negativity and the pouring sadness. Together, we waited it out. When I was weak, they were strong. 

Now, as this present day weather storm is tapering off, I feel this nasty “life storm” tapering off as well. I am surrounded in both storms by family and friends who have fought the winds and stinging rain with me – and loved me through it all. 

Now, comes the life. 

This rain that fell today will carry seeds, will water seedlings, will nourish growning crops, and will replenish dry wells. 

And my storm water? My rain?

It will do the very same – 


John 4:‭l3-14

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Evanescent

There’s a peace that overwhelms me when I look at the evening sky. When the last of the suns rays are fading behind the mountains. The colors produced are ones that can’t be imitated. The darkness of the mountains is stark against the vibrant colors. The stars have yet to make their majestic entrance. It’s the moment where transition seems almost frightening. Will it be a starlit night or will the clouds roll in masking their grandeur? The fleeting moments of daylight illuminate peaks of high mountains that could be viewed as ominous. That transition where you are trying to figure out what will happen next. But when I look at that thin line of beauty, I am at peace. All the questions of the day are far from me and my soul settles. I am not pondering the vastness of space or the stars. I’m not contemplating the mountain ridges. I am thanking God for that last ray. That last stroke of color on his painting of the day. Thanking him for the air, my family, my friends. Thanking him that no matter where I am, physically, mentally or emotionally, he is there. His creation is my reminder. My ongoing souvenir. He is always with me. Always.

In life there are moments of transition where we may lose all of our peace. Where the evanescent rays of what lit our lives are sinking behind dark and ill lit mountains. Where uncertainty looms and the stars are not capturing our gaze and making us look upward. That moment we have a choice. We can abandon hope. We can count it all as lost. Or, we can realize that the sliver left is our memory and that God has bigger and better things waiting at the dawn of the next journey.

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I’m Sorry Momma

I’m sorry Momma.

I’m sorry that it took so long to figure it out. To see it. To understand. To get it.

I’m sorry that I savored every moment with Daddy, but neglected you.

I’m sorry that I caused arguments and tossed around my attitude ruthlessly.

I’m sorry that I never realized what you gave up.

When you took the role of a “working mom”, depending on Daddy to be the one to meet us everyday after school, you gave up so much. I’m sorry that in choosing to help provide us the very best life, Daddy gave up his nights and you gave up the afternoons with us.

I’m sorry that I didn’t acknowledge that, every night, you came home from 8 hours of working with all sorts of people and fixed dinner for us. I’m sorry that sometimes after working those 8 hours you had to stop at the store, or take us to the dentist or take care of another family member. I’m sorry that I never realized that you sacrificed so much.

I’m sorry that I thought I aggravated you in the kitchen, when in reality, you were just a well oiled machine, fixing dinner so that Daddy and the rest of us could eat and get into bed.

I’m sorry that I never considered us close, even though you often knew me better than I knew myself.

I’m sorry that I didn’t know that you spent time on your knees for me. That you spoke blessings over me. That you believed in me when no one else did. Because those were done in the quiet, in YOUR time. In YOUR way.

I’m sorry that the word “over-protective” came out of my mouth more than “thank you”. I’m sorry I didn’t see that you were loving me into one more day, and shying me away from danger.

I’m sorry that I took offense when you would say “Get up and just do it.” I thought you were pushing me too hard, when in reality you were saying “You are a strong woman. You can do it. Go for it!’

I’m sorry, Momma.

And for the record, you rock.

I love you . . .

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Dear Momma,

This week I saw a movie and I questioned what my kids thought about me as a mom. My situation isn’t completely like yours and Daddy’s, but it’s close. My eyes welled with tears, and my heart ached. I love my babies like crazy, but I miss out on so much it seems. It’s not because I WANT to, it’s just life. The parallel of our lives is insane and made me see how wrong my thinking of our relationship was. I just want you to know, I think you are amazing. You worked full time, raised 4 kids, lots of dogs, and even some best friends. You worked all day and came home only to work more. You never had a day off. Saturdays we cleaned and cooked. Sunday was church. Monday it started all over. I admire you and your tenacity and I only pray that I can be half the woman you are. I love you!

Your Oldest Daughter,

Jennifer