I am tired of being me today.
Oh, my brain. How fickle it is. Today it was against me, every step of the way. From refusing to wake up to an emotional breakdown to end my day, it was my enemy for sure.
I am tired of the self-consciousness that hounds my mind like a coon dog that’s treed it’s prey. The constant nagging on my weight, my skin, my looks in general…..leaves me worn and torn beyond belief. It continues – relentlessly – until my brain believes that every person I come in contact with is judging me just as harshly, if not more so, than I judge myself……
I am tired of being bipolar. Depression and anxiety were not curbed today. Instead they doused my brain with putridness, much like dirty mop water. Due to the imbalanced chemicals, my body and mind tend to create their own worlds for me. Today, the world they created was unkind, and deliberately sabotaged all the work I had put into myself in the past couple of weeks. My mirror became an ungodly tool that broke my spirit as it pointed out the lines and sagging skin. My wardrobe was full of ill-fitting armor that reminded me of my lack of gym attendance and my love of carbs and margaritas. Words spoken by those who care about me all turned to daggers. Daggers with tips dipped in poison of inconsequentiality, causing my emotions to bleed down my cheeks in hot rivers of pain.
I am so tired of myself and todays world. Crashing like waves onto the bow of a ship, the chemicals wreaked havoc, slinging perfectly happy moments to the side and scattering all forms of sanity; leaving me battered and bruised with a headache and tired eyes. Exhausted does not even slightly describe me right now.
I am tired of myself. I’m tired of knowing these things aren’t real, yet falling into Alice’s rabbit hole for days at a time. I’m tired of faking it more than making it and wearing a mask more often than not. I’m tired of medication, meditation, music, and even God not working. I am tired of seeking validation.
I am tired of this episode and actually crave a manic episode, just to feel a little normal again.
So, this is it people. Bipolar depression and anxiety 101. If you love someone who is Bipolar, hug them a little more today, or don’t – which ever they prefer. Be their someone today, even if they don’t need it.