It is just a normal morning. I’m tired, as usual. The kids have been dropped off and I’m driving to work. Normally I talk to the hubs for a few, but today he’s at home – gearing himself up for an appointment that may mean life or death for his dad.
I have been in a pretty bad spot lately. It sounds so selfish when I say that, because there are so many others in my family who are facing sickness, disappointment, and hard times. I wrestle with sounding selfish. I don’t mean to, it’s just I’m at a breaking point today.
My mind is like a tangled bunch of yarn. There is no beginning or end, no rhyme or reason, just thought after thought after thought. It is so bad that I have to preoccupy my brain with music or an audiobook just to get it to stop.
This morning, as I was listening to my designated “before I get to work and put on a happy face and attitude so that no one sees me falling apart” music, my brain was in high mode. A friends blog post was foremost in my thoughts, as she has been very honest about some of her inner battles. I thought about how she stated how loving her spouse was and how understanding he was. It made me sad for my own hubs, who just wants to fix it. There is no fixing, I thought. Why? Why do I battle, still?
I just need a touch from God.
I cry out, I pray, I surround myself with every positive verse and song I can find –
And still. Still I drag myself out of the bed every morning to play a role everyday. I hide my pain well, but it is becoming overwhelming…..
Then, while tears streamed down my face as I am pulling down the exit ramp – sweet peas.
I love sweet pea flowers. Sweet peas and honey suckle make my day. Okay, all flowers, but these two wild flowers just sweep me back to my childhood. Where times were simple. Because even if my cousins were mean to me, or I didn’t get a toy I wanted, my life was soaked in beautiful things. Hayfields, creeks, wild flowers …….and summer breezes.
Here was a patch. Out of no where. Literally in the middle of green – just one sprig.
“Just for you.” I heard Papa say.
Now, I’m not saying my day is gonna be fabulous, or that all will be well with my soul just because there were wild flowers on the exit ramp. What I am saying, is that, I will smile a little more honestly today. He still loves me, in all my nastiness, in all my undoneness, in all my ugliness – He still adores me. Even if this whole world destroys me today, I will go down thinking of those flowers. . .