Whispers

My giant whispers.

He whispers that who I am, gives permission to others to act negatively towards me. The wind carries his vioce as he mumbles that my decisions allow others to stand in judgement and throw stones. Moments pass as I process what I hear. It is low frequency, similar to a buzzing bee…. He laughs as I begin to believe that being me is ultimately the green light for the world to destroy me.

It is my fault. I laugh too loud, I talk too much. My life does not match that of my giant and his camp. He is bigger than me – in everything, and I am a mere speck…..I am my worst enemy…….

It is nothing new…..I see it every day. I voted differently than you – I am going to hell. I have a LGBT friend, and I love them – I am NOT normal. I have a friend who decided being a stay at home mom was best for her family – and I see NOTHING wrong with it – I am blind to the truth. My beliefs, my thoughts, my actions, my LIFE does not match yours – I AM WRONG and I WILL PAY. 

How easily it is now to put your options out for the world to see. We hide behind a keyboard and a screen, throwing our hate like slop to the pigs. And we believe it is okay. . . Even more so, some of us ACT on that hate. We stand in corners, whispering about others…..we ostracize, we degrade, we laugh at, we make OUR opinions known – one way or the other. 

But, that is the world. I DO NOT live by the world’s standards. My Papa says to love others. To “judge not, lest ye be judged”. He says to love our enemies, to pray for those who persecute us, and to help the helpless. Does that mean I can’t disagree with their choices? NO! But, just because I disagree, does not grant me permission to punish. 

The enemy will do their best to convince you – US – that differences are WRONG. The truth is, our differences make us Wonderful. The rose and the wild flower are both have blooms. One has thorns, the other may carry chiggers…… BOTH are beautiful. BOTH can be harmful. BOTH are admired by many. NEITHER are wrong for the world.

  LET THAT SINK IN. 

So when you have an “unction” to spew, just think of the world and ALL of it’s blooms. Each were made to be beautiful in it’s own right. Just as each and every person in this world was. 

Dear giant, who whispers lies, I will live as my Papa has made me to live. . . FULL of life, FULL of love, and FULL of HIM!

And so it goes…..

I made up my mind when I started writing again that I would be honest. 

So here I am…..devastated. 

I wanted something. REALLY wanted this. REALLY needed this. All of my hopes, all of my heart, was dedicated to this. one. thing. I prayed for it. I spoke in faith over it. I did everything I was supposed to do. 

I DIDN’T GET IT. . .

I have cried. I have yelled. I have been angry at everyone – myself, the people involved, GOD. I have been miserable today. I just do not understand why. WHY????? This would change my life. It would change my family’s lives. It would be a TRUE answer to prayers. And it didn’t happen. Those who know the situation tell me everything I have told others – “we only see a sliver of the picture – there’s a reason”, “trust there is something better coming”, “God has a plan, trust it”…… 

So I sit, and cry. And write. Then…..This:

When I was little, I would tell everyone I met I wanted to be a truck driver. Just like my daddy. I loved those HUGE trucks, and my daddy was amazing at driving them. As a matter of fact, I still love seeing them at night, all lit up, sitting high above everything…….

But my daddy would tell me “Jennifer, you need to get an education. Be more than I am. Be your own boss….”

It was my dream, and my daddy thought it wasn’t good enough for me…..

He knew it wasn’t good enough for me. 

And if my earthly daddy loves me this much, how much more does my Heavenly Daddy love me? 

Heartbroken I sit. My eyes hurt from crying. My head hurts from thinking. My heart – just hurts. But – BUT – I love my daddy. Even more so, I love my Papa. My momma told me today to be the light. I am only a flicker, He is the flame. 

And as much as it hurts, as the tears still come, as the thoughts still invade – I will stand. I will dream again. I will triumph……..Eventually……

(Side note: I do know it is not grammatically correct to begin a sentence with “and”. Sometimes, life is messy – writing can be as well!)

Roses, Fairies, and Papa

It’s the rose bush that the gardner has pruned, that blooms the fullest…….

Or, so I think. 

This summer I began walking at lunch. It became my therapy time – it was 20-30 minutes to escape and breathe. The day I noticed the rose garden, it was not due to the sheer abundance of roses, but the aroma that was wafting through the air. As I hustled over to the small (yet massive) garden, my spirits lifted. Oh! How I adore roses. The garden had been planted by the adjoining church for the Hope Chest – a center for cancer patients. (Which, on a side note, is an amazing center that does tremendous acts of kindness for those affected by cancer. Look it up!) 

So began my obsession. I believe I took pictures of the roses everyday. Each one was different, reminding me of little things (like fairies) or bigger things (like Papa’s love for me). If it was not raining, I was taking pictures. 


One day I finally met the gardner. It just so happens that he was my pediatrician, as well as my children’s! I spoke to him about how beautiful they were, and how each type of rose was amazing in it’s own way. He and another gardner teased me about the pictures, but this soon paid off. At the end of the season, when the concern of frost was just too great, the gardner  began to prune. My luck (providence) was that I was walking just at that moment! I was given my own beautiful bouquet of ornate roses. . . 


I still walk when it is not too cold or nasty out. Today was gorgeous, so I slipped out at lunch to soak up some sun. As I came down the small hill, I saw the garden – bare – just long prickly sticks jutting from the earth. I could not help but walk to it. I was drawn by a need to remember. To remember the joy the blooms brought to me, the way the scent warmed me, the way my mind and eyes converted tangible beauty into soul satisfying truth……


Then, I saw it. Not just a little green, but an overwhelming amount of strong, green stems coming to life. I pulled out my phone and began to snap pictures. That is when it happened. It was as if He was standing right beside me, as I heard Papa say ” The gardner pruned these lovelies, now look at the new growth. Remind you of anything?” I sighed. I knew what life lesson I was learning. . .

It has been rough these past few weeks. Truthfully, the last few years have been horrid. Recently, however, I have felt the sting of disappointment more so than usual. Everyday I say “I just want something good to happen today”. People and items have been removed mentally and physically from me and from my family. I struggle with the war that rages in my mind. I struggle with insecurity, unrest, health issues, and above all else – people. People who I trusted, people who I cared for, people I thought I needed. Today though, I saw why I have endured some pain. The pruning that is being done is to allow for a regrowth. A …… revitalization of sorts. 


I still cried tonight. I still ache with anticipation for good news, good days, and happy nights. Yet…… When I laid in the bathtub – sobbing as the worship music played – Papa reminded me of those precious rose bushes. He reminded me that He is the Gardner of my life. He has planted me, fed me, watered me, admired me….and pruned me. Each step, each season, each calculated snip is His plan, His desire, and ultimately HIS gain. Because, my Papa? He loves to see me grow and bloom!