Whispers

My giant whispers.

He whispers that who I am, gives permission to others to act negatively towards me. The wind carries his vioce as he mumbles that my decisions allow others to stand in judgement and throw stones. Moments pass as I process what I hear. It is low frequency, similar to a buzzing bee…. He laughs as I begin to believe that being me is ultimately the green light for the world to destroy me.

It is my fault. I laugh too loud, I talk too much. My life does not match that of my giant and his camp. He is bigger than me – in everything, and I am a mere speck…..I am my worst enemy…….

It is nothing new…..I see it every day. I voted differently than you – I am going to hell. I have a LGBT friend, and I love them – I am NOT normal. I have a friend who decided being a stay at home mom was best for her family – and I see NOTHING wrong with it – I am blind to the truth. My beliefs, my thoughts, my actions, my LIFE does not match yours – I AM WRONG and I WILL PAY. 

How easily it is now to put your options out for the world to see. We hide behind a keyboard and a screen, throwing our hate like slop to the pigs. And we believe it is okay. . . Even more so, some of us ACT on that hate. We stand in corners, whispering about others…..we ostracize, we degrade, we laugh at, we make OUR opinions known – one way or the other. 

But, that is the world. I DO NOT live by the world’s standards. My Papa says to love others. To “judge not, lest ye be judged”. He says to love our enemies, to pray for those who persecute us, and to help the helpless. Does that mean I can’t disagree with their choices? NO! But, just because I disagree, does not grant me permission to punish. 

The enemy will do their best to convince you – US – that differences are WRONG. The truth is, our differences make us Wonderful. The rose and the wild flower are both have blooms. One has thorns, the other may carry chiggers…… BOTH are beautiful. BOTH can be harmful. BOTH are admired by many. NEITHER are wrong for the world.

  LET THAT SINK IN. 

So when you have an “unction” to spew, just think of the world and ALL of it’s blooms. Each were made to be beautiful in it’s own right. Just as each and every person in this world was. 

Dear giant, who whispers lies, I will live as my Papa has made me to live. . . FULL of life, FULL of love, and FULL of HIM!

And so it goes…..

I made up my mind when I started writing again that I would be honest. 

So here I am…..devastated. 

I wanted something. REALLY wanted this. REALLY needed this. All of my hopes, all of my heart, was dedicated to this. one. thing. I prayed for it. I spoke in faith over it. I did everything I was supposed to do. 

I DIDN’T GET IT. . .

I have cried. I have yelled. I have been angry at everyone – myself, the people involved, GOD. I have been miserable today. I just do not understand why. WHY????? This would change my life. It would change my family’s lives. It would be a TRUE answer to prayers. And it didn’t happen. Those who know the situation tell me everything I have told others – “we only see a sliver of the picture – there’s a reason”, “trust there is something better coming”, “God has a plan, trust it”…… 

So I sit, and cry. And write. Then…..This:

When I was little, I would tell everyone I met I wanted to be a truck driver. Just like my daddy. I loved those HUGE trucks, and my daddy was amazing at driving them. As a matter of fact, I still love seeing them at night, all lit up, sitting high above everything…….

But my daddy would tell me “Jennifer, you need to get an education. Be more than I am. Be your own boss….”

It was my dream, and my daddy thought it wasn’t good enough for me…..

He knew it wasn’t good enough for me. 

And if my earthly daddy loves me this much, how much more does my Heavenly Daddy love me? 

Heartbroken I sit. My eyes hurt from crying. My head hurts from thinking. My heart – just hurts. But – BUT – I love my daddy. Even more so, I love my Papa. My momma told me today to be the light. I am only a flicker, He is the flame. 

And as much as it hurts, as the tears still come, as the thoughts still invade – I will stand. I will dream again. I will triumph……..Eventually……

(Side note: I do know it is not grammatically correct to begin a sentence with “and”. Sometimes, life is messy – writing can be as well!)