I find myself wondering again. When I was little, I loved wondering. Whether it was literal or mental, I loved it. However, being 30 something, wondering isn’t fun anymore. Maybe because my wondering are serious. I feel like I’m lost in the woods. Searching. So much to see and admire in the woods. The leaves, the smell of dirt, the wild flowers, the sounds . . . It’s peaceful. But I am torn. Staying in the woods would be perfect. Except I think I’m supposed to be in the clearing. But the clearing is no where to be seen. Thinking about the clearing at first brings happiness – the sun, the breeze, the grass . . . But it is a vulnerable place. Open for the world to see. To see me. Maybe I’m not lost in the woods. Maybe I’m just hiding. Hiding for ridicule, from prying eyes, from criticism. I’m safe in the woods. The shadows hide me; the trees shelter me. The choice is mine. Should I rest in the woods? Wait and relax, until those with pointing fingers and poisonous words have moved on? I can’t hide in the clear. I can’t be free in the clear. But the sun . . . how warm it will be. Is it worth the risk? I just don’t know anymore. I can dance in the woods, twirl and sing at the top of my lungs the same as in the clearing. But, it’s the privacy, the secrecy of the woods that make it so special. There it’s just me and The King. No onlookers, casting their opinions and demanding it be their way. He is my only critic, the only one to please. I can be childlike, silly, honest, hidden by the shadows and He is my only spotlight.
As wonderful as the sun would feel, as beautiful as the sky would be, it’s His favor I seek the most. It’s His warmth, His smile, His arms I crave.
I think I’ll hide in the forest a little longer.
All this time I thought it was wondering . . . when it was just Him drawing me in, sheltering me, healing me.
You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I’m about to burst with song;
I can’t keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can’t thank you enough.