I’m looking for a place of peace. Tranquility. A place where I’m good enough just being me. A place where who I am is what is needed. A place where my heart stays soaring and my mind stays . . . happy? Right now, I have three children arguing, one husband trying desperately to handle them, two cats fighting, and me needing to go to sleep at an unfamiliar hour due to the fact that I have to be up at 4:30 in the morning. NOT peaceful at ALL.
On top of that, I made the mistake of asking to go to the mall after dinner. With the kids. NOT a good decision. I desperately needed a new nose ring (yes, I have a nose ring and yes, God still loves me) and I just KNEW that since they had been fed it would all go well. Nope. We left with one in tears and one screaming that “it’s not FAIR!”.
I sit here now, knowing I will not be falling asleep anytime soon, thinking about a peaceful place. I’ll be honest, I haven’t had the best of weeks. It seems that for every step I take, I jump back two. Lately, I feel inadequate at just about everything. All I want is for someone to say “you’re of value to me”. Well, someone besides my wonderful husband! I would LOVE for someone to just speak lavishly about me. Doesn’t everyone want that at some point and time? To know that even though I have . . . pitfalls, I also have abilities that are beyond sufficient. That would be nice.
I am longing for some worship time. I know with out a doubt that is what I need. Not the normal stuff either. I need the fall to the ground and weep worship. The make-up smearing, snot dripping, losing all sense of time worship. In the presence of my King I find peace. I find acceptance. I find love. In the presence of my Daddy I find a covering. I find myself wrapped in HIS arms, safe from everything (even the exasperated screams of a three year old!). Yes, worship time is what I need. It’s not like a spa either. You know, where YOU expect to be waited on, and massaged, and exfoliated, yadda, yadda, yadda. No, it’s me waiting on him. Asking him to massage my faith and exfoliate the nasty stuff. It’s spending time telling HIM how amazing he is and how much I adore him. Because in HIM I have my being.
(Acts 17) 26 From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. 27 God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. 28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’
As I have been writing, I was reminded of a poem I wrote a few years ago.
Seem to be wrong, do wrong,
not be or do enough.
So frustrating not to make anyone happy-
it makes me want to cuss!
Try to be a good mommy, wife, teacher,
sister, daughter – do it all.
Can’t get any one thing done right or finished –
I always seem to fall.
Happy only when I’m lost in You
giving You it all.
Going down on my knees in worship
is the only time I fall.
You make me, at that moment
Who I’m meant to be
A wife, mommy, teacher,
a worshiper – just ME.
Not who this world expects
not who anyone demands.
Only who You desire
and who You created with your hands.
You life me up
and cup my chin
“I’m proud of you, my child”
you say with a grin.
“Struggle not with the world
stress not over your life –
I will take your load
I will take your strife.
Lift your hands high
and feel the rushing wind.
Right here on my wings
find rest – THEY will never bend.
We’ll soar together, you and I
I will ease all doubt.
You’ll rest and I will carry you
high above the clouds.”
So, off to bed I go. I’ll dream of soaring – no doubt!